Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):

You can’t see anything but your goal, the perfect sufganiyah. You will let no one take it, you must have them all. The jelly inside makes you go insane and you know, you must have more. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):

You have it all, you are smart, faithful, intelligent, forceful, and sympathetic. You know every little detail about Hanukkah and feel the pain of ancient jews. But the idea of seven brothers defeating an army excites your sports mentality that you have in the back of your head. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

Capricorn, this month, you’re questioning why exactly you’re checking this month’s horoscope. What the heck is a horoscope anyhow? You will at some point find yourself Googling the etymology of horoscope (it comes from the Greek hōra meaning time and skopos meaning observer, you’re welcome). Watch out for armadillos; they’re sneaky little buggers.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

Aquarius, how’s the weather down there? When the going gets tough, it’ll get even tougher. This is NOT your month, you will discover a large amount of dandruff under your bed. You have recently discovered that you possess the ability to inhale oxygen and exhale it as carbon dioxide, you’ll be really proud of yourself before discovering that’s just called breathing. Good luck, Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

Pisces, remember to look up this month. Surprisingly, people are interested in speaking to you face-to-face! Don’t go shopping this month, just trust the stars on this one. The color purple will be very prominent in your daily life from now on. The stars hope you like it because you don’t really have a choice. You should stop procrastinating going to the gym.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):

Aries, I believe that March 23rd, 2024 will be a very interesting day. The stars suggest not taking the bus to school that day if they were you. For the sake of us all, remember to brush your teeth every morning; the stars notice. Don’t talk to any gingers, they’re sneaky little buggers.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Taurus, it’s your favorite time of year: ‘National Short Person Day’! We all have to treat Short People like Royalty. So, if people start bowing down to you that day, for the sake of all of us, don’t try to argue – we all know that you’re as stubborn as a donkey!! The stars tell us that you might get a bit lazy. Pick yourself up! With the holidays around the corner, you’ll need some exercise to burn off the calories!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

Gemini, it’s the life changing basketball game tonight (Heat vs. Lakers). Yes, we all know you’re rooting for the Heat, but when they lose, don’t start smashing tables and punching walls because we all know how competitive you get! The stars tell us you will have some decisions to make soon. Don’t overthink it! We know your dual nature means you’ll passionately argue both sides… it’s not that hard to decide what to eat for breakfast!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

Cancers, you might find yourself extremely emotional during these upcoming months. All the holiday emotions will be getting to you, but luckily you have friends to turn to during these times. You might find yourself having emotional breakdowns while watching a funny movie. Don’t worry. It will be over soon, we all know your emotions are seasonal. The crying will be over soon. We all know your emotions are seasonal. It will be over soon, we all know your emotions are seasonal.  

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Congrats on existing Leo, you surely can’t be hearing that often. Another holiday season comes another opportunity to steal the spotlight, at least lay off from the latkes this year, they’re not all for you. Know that this month, the stars are against you and your “immaculate” face. Happy Chanukah!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

Virgo! Get ready for your dream time in life—a time full of celebrations, days off and unstructured free time! Juuuust kiiiiiding! I know you actually dread those times of no focus, no control, just moving about the world without a care in the world. In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself on vacation (if you can!). 

Libra (September 23 – October 22):

Libra, your sense of balance will be tested as you juggle home life, your Nesher project, your Math homework, your Science labs, your reading and writing for English, your Option 9 class, both Judaics classes, learning Hebrew, understanding the inner workings of the United States government in your Social Studies class, making your SEP backpack, contributing to Morning Joe, understanding the meaning of Soul Center, and enjoying your newfound obsession with spinning dreidels. Good luck!